I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize