Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
