Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I could make wine with my vomit
pop tarts are not kleenex
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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