Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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