I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
