we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
