I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
