I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
