I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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