Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
