Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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