it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
