just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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