Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Never underestimate the power of titties
i out mim tonsoeep
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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