if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
