He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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