So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
