He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
