Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Michael Bay diarrhea
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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