At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just want to make out with him forever
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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