Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
