A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
