i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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