i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
