glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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