He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
