Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
They are going to name an STD after you.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
