Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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