i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if only i could text you this smell
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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