my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
