My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
