i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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