I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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