Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
