Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
