He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just high enough for therapy.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
