Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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