i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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