I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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