Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
