Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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