the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
it's like iHOP with fire
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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