i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
