she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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