Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
