So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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