theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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