I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
