ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
