Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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