I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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