whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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