I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just found puke in my bra..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
