textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
