well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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