His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
