i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
