thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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