I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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