Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
