Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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