Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize