At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
